Saturday, 24 January 2015

Letter to my former self

A single moment, a single breath, a single thought that ignites a storm of emotions to surge through your body so fast that you can't keep up with yourself. 

All it takes is one trigger.

A familiar smell.
A song.
A taste.

It can be anything. 
The smallest spark can ignite the largest fire. 

And that's exactly what happened to me recently. 

I was driving down a road that a couple of year ago I used to drive every single day on the way to college. 

As I was driving this road, something about it just triggered the most sensational experience of an emotinal rush that I couldn't quite understand. 

And it got me thinking about my life. 

All the people I have met.
All the choices I have made.
All the paths I have chosen to walk down. 
All the conmections I have made and broken. 

So I have decided to write an open letter to my younger self in the hopes that maybe someone somewhere who is struggling with the things I have struggled with, can find comfort in knowing they are not alone. Because if there is one thing I wish I knew growing up, is that you're not the only one feeling the way you feel. 

So here goes. 

Dear Harry,

I know you're more than likely going to ignore this letter because you like to think you know everything, but I want you to just hear me out for a couple of minutes. 

The battles you are facing in your head at this moment in time do not need to be battles. If anything, you are fighting a losing battle because you won't be able to change something you were born with. It is intergrated so deeply into who you are that it is criminal to not embrace it. 

Your family and your closest friends don't care.
It's who you are and they love you for it. 
I know it's hard. I know the sheer thought of uttering that phrase makes you feel physically sick and the fear runs so deep to your core that you will lose sleep over it. 
But you have a choice.
You can either keep pretending, keep putting on this facade of a straight man thinking you are fooling everyone and live your life. All the while being completely dissatisfied and never fully happy. To then look back on your life, the one shot you have on this beautiful planet and think "My whole life was a lie".

Or you can just take a leap of faith and realise that the safety net of love that is willing to catch you is unbreakable. 

Don't worry about what others will think of you.
You've been obnoxiously ridiculed for most of your life about being gay and I know you're trying so hard to prove everyone wrong, but just let go.

I know that is one of your biggest worries. That you don't want to prove the people who are disgracefully throwing the term "gay" around as an insult as right. But as soon as you realise the beauty in accepting inner peace, the better your life becomes. 

Gay is not a synonym for stupid.
So don't think that by being gay, you are any less of a human being than anyone else. 

It'll take some time, but sooner or later you will take that leap of faith. 

And the most beautiful thing about it, is that a certain someone is there to hold your hand as you fall. 

Yes Harry, you meet someone and you are both madly in love. He makes you feel whole. 

He will be there for you for some of the most difficult trials and tribulations you have ever faced. But he is there. 

The champagne bottle method you have of dealing with things, packing them all in and keeping everything to yourself until the cork explodes off, becomes less of an issue. 

It might seem to you that whatever social happenings are occuring at school are the most important thing in the world, but truly they are not. 

You are surrounded by people who love and care for you and you need to treasure that whilst you can because in time, a lot of those relationships will be shattered beyond repair. You might think that playing the "i don't cares" attitude is the right thing, but occasionally you will get moments of longing, where you wonder how things might have been if you'd swallowed your pride. Suprisingly, sometimes you do actually do that and you extend your feelings of retribution, but don't be hurt when sometimes things are just too broken to ever be fixed again. So treasure your time with these people because one day, they won't be there anymore. 

In time, you will realise that caring about what others think of you as a person, is the most detrimental thing you can do. This doesn't mean that you can have an "I don't give a fuck about you" way of thinking. You need to be loving and caring to others and accept their love and care back. But to people who try to shit on your parade, give no time for them.

You will never please everyone. 
Someone will always wish you the worst. 
But, in all honesty, they really don't matter. 

I wish I could sit down with you and tell you what you need to know to make it through what is coming to you. But going into it blind was the best thing that has ever happened to me. 

You will grow into someone you will be proud to be. 

It's going to take a while.
And you're going to listen to a lot of lady gaga music to help you through it (who by the way, is a ridiculously large part of our lives) but it will all work out.

Keep your dreams alive because it's got me places I never thought I would get. But, I know you, we never let our dreams die. 

Stay strong.
It gets better.

- Harry.