Tuesday, 25 August 2015

The Reality Of A Dream Come True

"I bet you are so excited"
 is the phrase I have heard the most since finding out about my new job.

The opportunity to travel the world, do what I love and get paid for it has been handed to me, of course I am excited.

However, excitement isn't the only thing I have been feeling. To be completed honest with you, it's actually one of the last things I have felt. 

Initially, I felt guilt. 

For those of you who know me personally and those of you who happened to have followed my blog, you will know that I have been in a long term relationship.

My relationship was completely unexpected. I didn't go to university with the aim of falling in love, in fact it was the last thing on my mind. But fortunately, someone extremely special walked into my life at the right moment and just like that, I fell for him.

At the start of our relationship almost four years ago, I turned and said to him, 

"There are so many things I want to achieve in my life. First and foremost I want to be a performer. Second to that I want to travel the world. And finally, I want to have a family. I will put the chance to achieve my dream career before you, before my family, before anyone and anything because there is nothing more I want to do and if you are okay with that, we will work."

I figured, may as well be completely honest and lay everything on the table.

I said all of this with a kind of 
"It's okay it will never happen anyway so there is no need to worry" 

From then onwards all through university, Urdang and even still he continues to be my biggest support system. Without him, I have no idea where I would be right now. No-one knows me as well as he does. No-one makes me feel the way he does and No-one can get between us. 

Batman and Robin.
Spongebob and Patrick.
Ash and Pikachu.
Harry and Damien.

So when I heard I was going to be away for five months, I felt so guilty. Guilty that I would be having this amazing experience without him. He hasn't done anything to make me feel guilty, in fact he has been so excited for me. But I can't help but feel guilty that I am leaving him after everything he has done for me. 

If I could pack him up and take him with me, I would. 

Second to guilt I've been feeling somewhat undeserving. 

Im the type of person that in one breath, I can be the biggest most arrogant little shit on the planet. And then in the next, I crumble underneath this feeling of being unworthy and undeserving of anything.

I don't understand why out of the thousands of people that have auditioned for this job, I have been picked.

Why do I, at twenty-two years of age, get to have the job I have always dreamed of? 

Why do I deserve this any more than anyone else? 

Why do I get to do what I love for a living?

I just feel like I don't deserve it. I feel like there are so many more people out there that deserve this more than I do. So why me? 

Don't get me wrong I am extremely excited. It's just since the initial excitement has died down, all these other thoughts and feelings have been creeping in and I can't help but pay attention to them.

I feel nervous.
I feel guilty.
I feel undeserving.
I feel ecstatic.
I feel upset.
I feel elated.

A whole plethora of feelings is whirling around inside of me.

Until the moment I step on to that plane to LA, I don't think i'll really know exactly how I'm feeling.

I just need to remember that as much as this experience is all that I have wanted in life, I wouldn't be there without the love and support of my friend, my family and above all else my boyfriend.

It's just another way of getting the blocks to build our lego house together.


Monday, 17 August 2015

The Post I Have Always Wanted To Write

When I started this blog, I didn't know what the hell I would write about. I just took inspiration from something in my life each week and wrote.

But there was always one post that I knew I wanted to write. I just never thought I'd get the opportunity to do so. 

That post is this post.

For as long as I can remember, I have wanted to be on stage.

It might sound like a cliche but there's pretty much no other way to word it. 

When I was around fifteen years old, the world of dance was bought into my life and since that moment, I have dedicated my life to achieving my goal of being a dancer.

When people ask me what I do, I have always begrudged telling people that I am a "dancer". I never felt like I had any sort of leg to stand on (excuse the pun) because I never felt like I had achieved anything with it. 

Yes, I lived and breathed it for the past years of my life. But I never felt like I was worthy enough to call myself a dancer. I had never been paid for it, never got any professional credits, never really been known as a "dancer".

The best way I can describe how I feel is, imagine you managed to jump start a car when the battery is dead. You wouldn't suddenly call yourself a mechanic.

Imagine you water some plants for a neighbour. You wouldn't suddenly call yourself a professional landscape gardener.

You paint a wall. You wouldn't call yourself an interior designer.

Just because I have danced in productions, shows, classes etc I never really justified callig myself a dancer.

But something out of the ordinary has happened. 

A couple of months ago, like a couple of hundred others, I attended an open audition for Pricess Cruises.

With eyes as wide as my anxiety level high, I entered pineapple dance studios and let whatever was meant to be, take it's course.

After several exhausting rounds of choreography, I found myself being surrounded by only six other boys. 

In the blink of an eye, it had gone from a significant amount more to only six.

After another intense session of learning choreography, we were asked to leave and told that we would all hear our fate soon, regrdless of if it were good/bad news.

A week of high anticipation and lack of sleep ensued. Until one morning, after my alarm tore me from my slumber to go to work at 5:00am, I checked my emails and low and behold there it was.

The email I had been waiting for. 

....a no.
....I got a no.
.....I wasn't successful. 

To say I was gutted is an understatement.
I know in this industry, you have to get used to knock backs pretty quickly, trust me I have had several.

 But they never get easier.

It's hard to not get your hopes up when your dream career/job is within seeming touching distance. 

Nevertheless, I had to pick myself up and carry on.

Carry on going to a job I didn't enjoy.
Carry on motivating myself to go to audition after audition, continuously falling at the same hurdle, never quite getting that break.


7th of August, 3:29am, an email landed in my inbox that has quite simply flipped my life upside down. 

In the next couple of weeks, I am moving to LA. I stay there for a month, then get on board a cruise ship and sail around the South Pacific, Panama Canal, Hawaii, Mexico and the Carribean. 

Not only this, but I am also doing what I love whilst having this insane experience. 

It's quite difficult to articulate exactly how I'm feeling.

I started this blog as a way of documenting my journey towards a career in the performing arts. I never in a million years thought I would be writing the post saying I had actually achieved the exact job I have always wanted.

It's ridiculous.

I get to travel the world, do the thing I love and get paid for it.

How many people can turn around and say they do a job that they whole heartedly enjoy?

I guess....I guess now I can.

And I guess I now am what I have set out to become.....A dancer


Thursday, 6 August 2015

I Am Blessed

I don't know why and I don't know how it happened but recently, my passion for writing blog posts has just been non-existent. 

I have stared and stared into my computer, into my notebook, into the backs of my eyelids, into the tiles on the wall of my shower, into my sink, into every place imaginable to try and think of something, ANYTHING to write about.

And nothing was happening.

No words were flowing. 
No sentences were forming.
No idea seemed good enough, worthy enough, to be written about.

I don't blog about fashion or make-up or pop-culture or anything that is a relative constant in this world.

I blog about my life.

My last post was about the struggles I have had with this, which you can read about HERE

But something very very special in my life has been bought to my attention.
I don't know why, but I never really thought anything of it until recently.
It's something that, until it is flagged up to you by someone or something, we tend to take for granted.

And that is how blessed I am.

I spend a lot of my time feeling down about many things. 

My body.
My dreams.
How I feel like my life is going nowhere.

The usual things. 

But, recently it has come to my attention that I am actually extremely fortunate.

I'm not sure if you are away but, very recently it was Brighton Pride. A weekend of celebration where you are encouraged to not only embrace who you are, but to also be proud of it.

Be it, lesbian, gay, bi-sexual, transgender or whatever lifestyle or sexual orientation you have. Just be proud of it.

Anyways, it was Brighton Pride. 

A couple of months before this event, I had been speaking to someone online who initially messaged me on Tumblr.  We became connected on most social media platforms and just spoke to each other on the odd occasion.

I'm the type of person who will quite literally talk to anyone. I don't care who you are, what you look like or anything, I will most probably have a conversation with you anywhere.

So we spoke for a while and I mentioned that pride was in a couple of months.

Next thing I know, tickets were bought, travel was booked and the countdown to pride had begun.

It's not everyday you invite someone you have never met to come stay with you for a weekend and to some people, the idea of that is utterly ludicrous...but.....I don't know something just felt right.

Before I knew it, pride weekend was here. 

With nerves and anxiety to meet this person pretty high, me and my boyfriend travelled to the airport to pick him up after the seven hour bus journey that they had just ensued.

Long story short, the weekend went amazingly and this person was a great addition to the overall experience of the weekend.

But the thing that has made me realised how blessed I am is the following. 

I spend a lot of time thinking that my life is pretty boring, pretty mundane, pretty grey. 

I moan about the area I live in. 
I moan about the job I have. 
I moan about a lot of stuff.

But after speaking to this person a lot about where they live and their life etc it has made me realise that....contrary to my life is pretty damn alright. 

I'm not saying that this persons life is so undeniably awful that it makes my life look great. I don't mean that in the slightest.

What I mean is, sometimes it takes someone to literally hold up a mirror to your life to make you realise that things aren't always as bad as they seem.

I am blessed to have a loving boyfriend.
I am blessed to have loving friends.
I am blessed to actually have a job.
I am blessed to have my health.
I am blessed to have been raised somewhere that isn't as prejudice against my sexuality as some places.
I am blessed to still be breathing.
I am blessed to have access to clean water.

I am blessed in so many ways and I just tend to focus on the negatives. 

Instead of focusing on what I don't have, I need to be appreciative of the things I do have all the while aspiring to achieve more. 

I saw a quote a while ago that read:

"Don't compare your reality to someone else's highlight reel."

I'm going to aspire to create a reality for myself that I am proud of. 

But meanwhile, I am so grateful for the people and the things in my life right now.