Tuesday, 8 November 2016

Fight The Feeling Of Inadequacy

So that's it.
I'm back in the UK just over a year since I left for Los Angeles and began my adventure.

There are no words that will be able to do justification to the incredible year I have had. 
It has just been phenomenal.

However, with every performing arts job that comes to an end, there comes that period of uncertainty which simply boils down to:

"what am I going to do next?"

When I heard that I didn't have a contract waiting for me immediately after I left and that there might be a period of time before I heard anything to do with employment, to be completely honest it was heartbreaking.

To have come from a year of constant highs and seeing some of the most incredible things and having some of the most incredible experiences, to the realisation that it was all going to end with uncertainty as to whether or not I would ever get to do this again, was extremely hard to get not only my head but also my heart around.

It's kind of a given, everyone who wants a job in the arts knows that there is quite literally no job security and that you can't take any opportunity for granted. You may have an absolutely amazing gig that pays ridiculously well but, that could be it for the next 6-9 months.

You never know when the next job is going to come your way. Not only that, but you also kind of have to go back to square one and start re-auditioning for everything.

You feel like it's a constant up-hill struggle. You get to a certain comfortable height and then a rock slips from underneath you and you slide back down to where you started again.

Quite frankly, it sucks.

However, I have come to realise something.

In the period of my life that I am in now, there is a looming uncertainty that surrounds my head as to where my career is heading.

At first this was the worst thing in the world to me. I hated it. It felt like a dark cloud was just surrounding and following me around all day everyday. I couldn't quite shake the inevitable fear of "you're going to be unemployed" and the countdown until I left the ship and that day came around. I couldn't shake the feeling of inadequacy. I felt like I wasn't good enough.

It's taken a while. It's taken me being thrown into the deep end and having to drag myself back up and start re-climbing the mountain. But I have come to realise that, this is all part of the excitement of life.

I know that most people who want jobs in the performing arts are told how unlikely it is to happen and we all kind of shrug it off with a "yeah I know but i'm gonna make it." Which is fine, there's nothing wrong with having an extreme determination and passion for something, in fact I completely encourage it, it's got me to where I am today. But when it happens to you and you are without a job, it's sometimes hard to keep the determination going.

To the feeling of inadequacy that comes from not CURRENTLY having a job in the arts, I say FUCK YOU.

It's strange but i'm kind of getting a thrill from being back to where I started. I'm a much more experienced, much stronger, much more determined artist than I was ever before.

And that's because I know what is a stake. I know what it's like to live the highs of living out your passion. I know what it's like to feel adequate.

To anyone who doubts themselves and is constantly getting knock-backs in the performing arts industry I implore you to keep the faith, keep strong and keep going.

Because nothing feels better than to be doing what you love. Nothing compares to living your passion.

And if the opportunity is there to do it...don't you dare let it pass you by.